Remember Me
by China Dolly
Summary: Because of "that troublesome thing" Shikamaru is recording tapes for Neji. Why? Because he cares too much not to... Shounen ai
1. Chapter 1

**Note:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter 01 – Tape 01**

_March 11_

"Gods, I want a smoke..."

Shikamaru sighed and leaned against the back of the couch. Then he reached up a hand, pushed a forlorn hair out of his face and stood up, rubbing his palms against his pants while making his way to the window.

Opening the window he breathed in the scent of the forest. The Nara-forest always smelled best in Spring, with everything blooming and often damp with remains of morning-fog or afternoon-rain.

With a sigh he leaned against the window-sill for a moment, rubbing his palms against his pants again. He then traced his upper-lip with his tongue and made his way back to the couch again.

The moment he sat down he slumped against the back of the couch, raising his eyes and looking straight into the lens of the video camera.

The red light was burning happily.

"Hi Neji," he said and waved weakly and dropped his hand into his lap, sighing. He looked to the side before turning back to the camera, frowning slightly. "Do you know how troublesome this is?"

When the door was nudged open slightly he turned his head. He allowed a small smile to come to his lips when he saw Neji's and his white-and-orange striped cat called Luca walk up to him, nudging his leg with a loud purr, wanting attention.

He leaned forward, lifted a mewing Luca from the ground and, sitting cross-legged, put her down into his lap. Gently patting her head he looked at the camera again. "How long have we been going out?" He asked, but he didn't really need to ask.

He knew.

He looked at the lens almost accusingly. "Eight years, Neji. Eight years and we have an apartment and we even adopted a cat..." A sigh passed his lips and he shook his head. "And if it wasn't for that troublesome thing I wouldn't even be doing this."

He kept on petting Luca's head, whose purrs got louder and louder. Neji had found her on the streets one day, when coming home from a mission. And while he had always been able to deny Neji some things in life, Neji holding up a kitten wasn't something he could say no to.

They'd lived together for the past four years and life was good. They were happy, their cat was happy and about a month ago they'd even – however awkwardly – brought up the topic of marriage. On top of that, missions were scarce which gave them more time together. And time together was always appreciated.

Luca mewed and Shikamaru looked down at the cat, grinning suddenly. "It's troublesome, but I have to say it." He murmured softly.

He picked up Luca, held her so she was right next to his head and smiled widely at the camera. "Troublesome Neji Hyuuga, we love you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Note:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter 02 – Tape 09**

_March 28_

Shikamaru yawned, scratching the side of his head, and leaned against the back of the blue, shabby couch.

When he yawned again he rubbed a hand over his face and glared at the camera that he'd mounted on a tripod about four feet away from the couch. He then glanced at the clock on his left and groaned loudly, rubbing his temples.

"My god, Neji, it is half seven in the morning!" He complained, crossing his arms in front of his chest and shaking his head. "It is my number one rule to never get up before half eight."

He sighed softly, although he was more amused than annoyed. "This is your fault, you know." He said accusingly with a shake of his head, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

He then sighed softly and allowed a small smile to come to his lips. "Always getting up so early to work out," he chuckled softly and traced his upper-lip with his tongue. "As if your body needs all the extra work-out." He laughed, leering at the camera. "Aren't you just trying to show off?"

"You should allow yourself to relax every once in a while, Neji." He waved his hand in the air.

Suddenly his eyes widened when he saw Luca, wanting to bunt the tripod.

"Luca, no!" He cried out and leapt forward to grab the mewing cat, pulling her into his lap, mumbling softly: "Troublesome cat, how many tapes have you almost ruined, huh? Think it makes about five..." He petted the cat's head with two of his fingers. "Should keep you out next time."

"But I'm serious, you know? You do work too hard, want too much."

He licked his lips and turned his head, looking out of the window. "I don't know how I'm able to stand it. We're so different in that regard. It worries me sometimes... how you push yourself."

He smiled sadly. "I'm not saying you shouldn't work hard, because I know how badly you want to. But you shouldn't overdo it."

He paused and looked down at Luca before glancing at the camera again. "You have a top rank already. Everyone looks up to you and even Chouji says you're a great guy and a wonderful ninja. So isn't it troublesome to try and get people to notice you? Take all the hard missions because people expect you to?"

Luca mewed and Shikamaru chuckled. "Yes, Luca's right." He nodded. "No one expects you to do anything."

"And if not for yourself," he murmured softly with an affectionate smile. "Just take it easy sometimes for me, okay?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Note:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter 03 – Tape 20**

_April 17_

Shikamaru was sitting on the couch again, the camera on in front of him and Luca eating a late dinner in the kitchen.

"Do you remember when you brought Luca home?" After recording nineteen tapes he was visibly more comfortable talking to the camera – to Neji – about everything and nothing. And all because of _that_. Because he was thinking of Neji and just wanted to make the tapes for him. However embarrassing that was now.

He chuckled softly. "I know you'll hate me but you've never looked so cute to me." He laughed to himself and mumbled: "Should've taken a picture."

He stretched his legs in front of him. He might not like that Neji was on a mission. Not _now_ that big things for the both of them were about to happen. But Neji's absence did give him more time to record the tapes without his boyfriend knowing.

"She was such a stubborn cat." Now that Luca didn't tear their furniture apart anymore he could laugh about it. "It was like we'd adopted a real kid the way we had to raise her." He laughed heartily.

They hadn't known what they'd gotten themselves into then. "It was one of the most troublesome things I've ever done." He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"But it was worth it in the end, don't you think?" He smiled. Nights spend on the couch with both Neji and Luca were usually the best.

He licked his lips and scratched the side of his head. "I know you don't want to hear this but I think you should..." He paused and looked down before looking up at the screen again, firmly stating: "You don't get along with Ino."

He shook his head. "Don't deny it, I know you don't. You think she's bossy, vain and then some." Shikamaru paused again, thinking about what to say for a few moments. "But you have to get along with her at some point, seeing as she's my best friend."

Suddenly Shikamaru smirked. "Although she is troublesome."

When his amusement passed Shikamaru got serious again, sitting up straight. "Getting along with Ino is quite easy, you know?" He said and shrugged. "You just have to treat her like Luca."

He licked his lips, trying to be serious with his advice rather than chuckle at his comparison. "And don't be troublesome and think it's ridiculous, Neji. It's not."

"When we got Luca she was stubborn as hell and very active in demolishing our furniture. Ino is just as stubborn and as active. The only difference is, is that Ino talks a lot." Shikamaru shrugged. "And just like you don't let Luca destroy our couch, don't let Ino ramble."

He allowed a small smile to touch his face. "I know you get irritated with her when she rambles and that that is the biggest part of your dislike. It's just... don't be so polite when it comes to her. She's used to Chouji and me shutting her up and she should get used to you doing that as well."

Then suddenly he smirked. "Ino knows she talks too much and she takes advantage of how much people let her talk. Troublesome, just like a kid. But Ino is a big girl and she'll only respect you if you tell her to shut up sometimes."

"Trust me on this," he said with an amused smile. "It'll make life easier for you if you're just honest with her every once in a while."


	4. Chapter 4

**Note:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter 04 – Tape 24**

_April 23_

"Hi Neji."

Shikamaru smiled drowsily at the camera and settled against a big pillow he'd propped up against the couch. He leaned heavily against the pillow, visage slightly pale. He yawned and sighed in frustration.

"I can't sleep." He mumbled grouchily. "Troublesome," he spat and then looked up at the camera. "Can you believe it? _I_ can't sleep..."

A long, somewhat exaggerated but above all tired sigh passed his lips and he lay down onto the couch. "Must be nerves." He rubbed his brow and closed his eyes for a second.

"Anyway," he opened his eyes again and flashed a small smile at the camera. "Thought I'd let you know how much you are appreciated." He murmured with a fond, small smile.

"I don't know about anyone else, but I do know that _I_ don't say it enough..." he trailed off and casually waved a hand at the camera. "But you're wonderful, you know." He flushed slightly in embarrassment at those words.

Scratching the side of his head Shikamaru chuckled. "Now I know I'm supposed to be saying that because I am your boyfriend but... I'm not the only one that thinks this way."

Yawning, Shikamaru closed his eyes again. However tired he felt, he couldn't get to sleep. It had been like that for a while now and it was starting to wear him out. It was good for the amount of tapes he could tape, though. But that was the only good thing about it.

"Remember when you were talking with your uncle about me three weeks ago? And don't deny it, you were talking about me." He paused and lowered his eyes with a small smile. "And you should, you know... talk about me. Be it with your uncle or someone else, you shouldn't keep everything bottled up. I'm sure you feel the need to talk about me sometimes and instead of not doing so, you really should. It might be troublesome... but it's better for you, I'm sure."

Keeping in a soft sigh, not wanting to give the video a negative swing, Shikamaru re-arranged his pillow a bit so he could lean against the back of the couch. If he pretended it was for a better position he didn't have to face reality that he was almost falling over from fatigue.

"All troublesome things aside, though... you _are_ a wonderful guy. Ask Hinata." He chuckled. "And Hanabi too, even if she doesn't show it, she does adore you."

A soft, happy sigh passed his lips. "Things have changed so much since we were fifteen. You've grown so much, opened up so much and it got you a loving family, well, part of it, and good friends." He swallowed before smiling.

"You do know you've got good friends, right? That most of the people we hang out with are genuine friends and not just because you're with me..."

He laughed shortly, almost awkwardly and then said: "I know it's strange for you sometimes to have to interact with so many people. That you feel awkward even after all these years... But, you've gotten better with dealing with friends, and family. And now you just have to remember that whatever they do, they're doing it because they care. So don't complain when they're doing something good for you. Everyone thinks you're worth it, Neji, so just take it as it comes and count your blessings. You'll need them."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto

**Chapter 05 – Tape 27**

_April 27_

The entire room was dark, save for a pale glow of the moon and a small, red light coming from Shikamaru's video camera. Something – or rather, someone – rustled while getting around the room and suddenly a dim yellowish light standing on a bedside table was turned on.

"Look," Shikamaru's voice was hushed and slightly slurred from fatigue. Sleep hadn't been his friend lately and it was wearing him down. It didn't, though, keep him from making tapes for Neji. By now, he enjoyed himself while making tapes.

"Look," he repeated, slightly amused. "This is you, sleeping. If you weren't so damn beautiful I'd call you cute." He chuckled softly, for a moment, before he felt his legs tremble slightly.

At the same time, Neji stirred, turning slightly on the bed.

A soft laugh passed Shikamaru's lips and he took a few steps back, edging closer to the door. "Troublesome, you're even protesting in your sleep." He murmured before making a quiet exit and closing their bedroom door.

"Let me put you down," he mumbled to the camera, putting it down onto the tripod. He then made his way over to the couch and with a sigh let his body fall down upon it.

He lay down, cuddling into the pillow and looking at the camera with a small smile. "Of course I'm not wandering around the house filming my sleeping boyfriend randomly. That would be… well, troublesome." He chuckled.

"I just wanted to show you what I see. How you let your guard down when you're with me." He sighed softly, happily. "It's beautiful, really." He murmured.

He raises his eyes to the camera, smiling. "And I'm not talking about your looks. You already know you're gorgeous." He chuckled softly. He knew Neji didn't think he was gorgeous. But that didn't mean he wouldn't try to make the other realize that he was.

"It's just… when I think back to when we just got together, I now see how much things have changed. How blessed I am to be loved by you." He paused and turned his head away for a moment, swallowing.

"It's the little things you do, since large gestures aren't your kind of thing and they will never be." He smiled affectionately. "It's the way you always consider me. How your eyes light up when you talk or think about something you like. How you always smile at me and think no-one notices."

"And," he trailed his lips with his tongue. "It's the way you trust me. How you let down your guard when it's just us. You are open, almost as if you're free."

"You weren't always like that. You grew into it, just like our lives sort of blended together. But deep down, I know you always wanted to be like this. To not have to think about everything you say or worry about what someone will think of you. And seeing you like that, so free, is the most beautiful thing in the world."

He laughed softly. "Really, Neji, it is. Even after all these years, it still takes my breath away. And I'm not the only one that sees the change. Everyone does and everyone enjoys it." He chuckled, amused. How Neji would disagree with him on this.

"Because you might not see it, Neji… But you are perfect the way you are." He paused, releasing a shuddering breath and he smiled wistfully. "So please," he added softly, "don't try to change anything about yourself. Not ever."


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning:** I'm sorry...  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I don't own Naruto

**Chapter 06 – Tape 31  
><strong>_May 2_

"Can you believe it, Neji? This is the thirty-first tape already." Shikamaru was laying on the couch, shoulder propped up against a pillow while a blanket covered him in an ill attempt to keep him warm. When he chuckled he winced, a hand reaching out to clutch at his chest and he closed his eyes as he gasped for breath.

He took a slow, deep breath before looking up at the camera again with a smile. His skin was pale and he had black circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. But that didn't stop him from taping this message. The one thing Neji truly needed to hear.

"Thirty-one," he mumbled and then smiled a bit sadly. "A good number, isn't it? It's a lot but not too much."

He lowered his eyes, silent for a few moments almost as if he was lost in deep thought. He then swallowed with a slightly pained expression and looked up at the camera again. "I love you, you know? Sometimes even so much it becomes troublesome. Like with the tapes. I just can't…" he faltered and took another shuddering breath. "There's so much I wanted you to know, wanted to tell you. I just _had_ to make them."

He chuckled softly. "You've got me wrapped around your fingers. If only you knew… Gods, I'm just like my dad is with my mom. How pathetic."

"But," he shrugged with a small smile, "I can't really help it. I just can't help but want to do things for you and…" He paused when he felt a lump in his throat and tried to swallow it away. He took a deep breath and smiled weakly. "And however strange it sounds I want to help you move on."

He worried his lips for a few seconds before shaking his head. "It's not strange at all." He then said. "I love you, Neji. And I know you return those feelings. We've been together for such a long time that I know you must be wishing to die now that I'm gone." Perhaps his words could be considered selfish and egocentric, but he'd gotten to know Neji quite well throughout the years and didn't doubt the other felt exactly like dying.

"I know, I would feel the same way." He looked down, clenching his hands into fists. He'd made thirty videos before this and now he was starting to break down. But he couldn't. He'd promised himself Neji wouldn't get to see him cry. He had to be strong. For Neji.

"And you know what you would say, Neji? You would want me to move on. You wouldn't want me to leave my life behind and drag my body through time until I die. You would –" He broke off, coughing. His whole body shaking at the force of it.

But he ignored the pain, ignored the fact his body was giving out on him. This tape would be finished when Neji would understand what he was trying to say.

He pushed himself up with shaky arms, sitting up straight while leaning heavily against the back of the couch to prevent himself from falling over. Looking straight into the camera he said: "I want you to move on, Neji."

He swallowed with a small smile. "And don't be troublesome and misunderstand. I don't want you to forget about me, about us. I just…"

He softly bit his lip and defiantly looked straight into the lens. "Damn, Neji, I just want you to live. You're a good person, you're nice and caring and fuck, you're gorgeous. Don't waste your life pining away from me while we both know I'm not coming back." Surprisingly enough, saying it out loud wasn't bad. Not at all. Not compared to his words about Neji moving on and just living his life.

"You deserve to be loved again, to fully life your live. And if you don't agree, do it for me. Live your life for me and for fuck's sake, try to enjoy it." Shikamaru said and then chuckled softly.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve. You should. Get over it properly. But there are a lot of people there that will help you through it and you should let them help." He paused and then allowed a small, genuine smile to come to his lips.  
>"I know Naruto will be there for you. He likes you, Neji. He likes you a lot. And he's a good guy." He laughed, knowing what Neji must be thinking. "I'm not saying to date him and fall madly in love with him at my grave."<p>

He shrugged. "Just, give him a chance. Let him drag you through this. Let him support you and be your friend and just see where it all takes you. Don't think about your stupid destiny. If anything, it's written down somewhere and then there's nothing you can do to change it anymore so just accept things as they come." He knew that when they were younger it was the exact opposite that Neji needed to hear. But not now. Not now that he was on the verge of losing Shikamaru – already having lost him when watching the tape.

"I love you, Neji, and you love me." Shikamaru smiled, he couldn't help it. "That is a wonderful thing even though I sometimes complain it is troublesome. It is amazing, but you also know that now is the time to move on." He sounded sappy and he knew it. But he didn't care. It was not as if Neji could tease him about it later on.

"Don't worry about forgetting me, either. If you dare to I will come and haunt your house." He chuckled softly and then looked at the screen.

He took a breath and smiled, a real affectionate smile that only Neji had ever seen. And after taking a shuddering breath and his tone filled with all the love he could possibly feel for Neji he said: "So just… be happy again."


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I don't own

**Chapter 07 – Tape 01**

_May 9_

Neji sat on the shabby, blue couch. In the middle. Shikamaru's favourite spot.

Outside, the sky was blue, sun shining and whatever trees and flowers were in sight were blooming. The perfect Spring day.

Oh, how Neji wished it was raining.

But then again, he had wished for rain for about two-and-a-half months now. In fact, he had wished for much worse things ever since Shikamaru had fallen ill.

From one day to the other Shikamaru was unable to sleep properly. The other had felt weak, his chakra was an ultimate low almost as if his body was giving out on him. Tsunade had run tests. And when those tests didn't give results, she run some more. And more, and more.

They'd probably run so many tests it had deteriorated Shikamaru's condition and in the end they had to make the decision to simply give up. There were only so many tests one could run on a body that simply didn't want to keep going anymore.

To Neji, it had been agony to watch Shikamaru suffer. To not be able to do anything and, when time came, to make the choice together with his boyfriend to stop searching for a cure. To hear the man he loved, had loved for so long, say help was troublesome while he obviously needed it. Because he was visibly in pain.

He had felt so helpless and guilty, knowing there was nothing he could do. And of course Shikamaru had been right in saying that there was nothing to do about it so Neji should just accept the truth of the situation.

But Shikamaru didn't have to hold the man he loved while he died. Shikamaru didn't have to make arrangements for a funeral and he didn't have to bury his boyfriend.

No, instead Shikamaru was dead.

And Neji did not wish to trade places with him. For he didn't wish this pain onto Shikamaru. This grief and the feeling of incompleteness. The constant urge to cry and to have idle hope that whenever he opened a door, his late lover would be standing on the other side.

Instead, he wished to join Shikamaru. His will to live had died together with his lover and he felt like his body was dragging on while his soul had stayed behind. Buried deep under the ground in Shikamaru's grave.

Neji pulled his hands away from his face with a soft, tired sigh. his skin was almost ghostly pale and his cheeks were stained with previously shed tears.

He looked almost as awful as he felt. He knew that everyone was worried about him. Hinata brought him lunch and dinner every day because they both knew he wouldn't eat if she didn't. Naruto came by every day, too, claiming Neji needn't be alone now.

Neji himself disagreed. He wanted to be alone so he could grieve and cry without anyone watching him. Keeping an eye on him. Because Neji knew that everyone was scared to death he might kill himself.

But how could he not want to kill himself? How could he have moved on only two weeks after Shikamaru's death? In fact, how could he move on at all?

He looked up, eyes resting on a cardboard box standing onto the low table in front of him.

_To Neji_

When he'd found the box three days ago he had burst out crying and Naruto had opened the box for him.

Thirty-one tapes. Thirty-one messages from Shikamaru to him, the first dated March eleven. The day after the first test.

He wondered what was on the tapes but if he were honest he'd have to say he knew. Because knowing was the reason why he hadn't watched a single tape yet.

He knew that with these tapes the other was saying the things he wanted Neji to remember. Knew that Shikamaru had hoped the tapes would help Neji move on.

Shikamaru had been so set on Neji promising him, over and over again, that the Hyuuga would try to move on. Shikamaru had only cared about Neji while Neji had only cared about Shikamaru.

Neji took a deep, unsteady breath before standing up.

He was sure that watching the tapes would hurt. Would make him miss his dead lover even more than he already did.

But he wanted to watch them. Felt as if he needed to.

Because shouldn't he know what Shikamaru had to say, perhaps even wanted him to do, before trying to move on.

Sitting on the couch again Neji clenched the remote-control tightly. He took a deep breath again and quickly pressed play before he could change his mind.

On screen, Shikamaru sighed to himself like he often did but Neji could see the other was nervous right away.

Neji bit his lower-lip gently and clenched his hands into fists. Seeing Shikamaru alive was painful. But on the other hand Neji couldn't help but feel touched the other had gone through all the trouble to make the tapes. Because while they were a painful reminder the other was gone it was also the last thing Neji could hang on to in an attempt to move on but not forget.

"_Gods, I want a smoke..."_

Neji swallowed at his boyfriend's admission on screen. Shikamaru had quit smoking a long time ago. But Neji knew the other had sometimes longed for a cigarette – often during difficult moments.

When Shikamaru appeared on screen again Neji bit his lip to keep himself from sobbing, begging the television to give Shikamaru back.

And when Shikamaru looked straight into the lens, thus looking straight at Neji, the Hyuuga felt tears come to his eyes.

"_Hi Neji,"_

Neji's body shook from the rush of emotions that found their way through him. Love, sadness, anger. It was all there.

"_Do you know how troublesome this is?"_

Troublesome indeed, Neji thought angrily. Because why was it Shikamaru of all people that died? He had done so much, and not just for Neji, for the village as well. Both as a ninja and as the Hokage's advisor.

Neji closed his eyes with a trembling sigh. He had known life to be unfair ever since he was little. But he had never thought that Shikamaru would be taken from him by such a humane thing as a sickness. A sickness that no-one knew how to cure.

If the other had died during a mission he would have been just as devastated. The pain would be the same nor would he miss the other any less. But if Shikamaru had been killed during a mission at least it would've fit life's so-called plan. It would have been a shock but expected at the same time.

This. This disease that had come out of nowhere wasn't something you expected to happen to a ninja. It was the reality-check that had perhaps scared them all but had shown Neji, yet again, that life was only unfair.

"_How long have we been going out?"_

Shikamaru's voice, his amused tone and the painful question, drew Neji from his thoughts. He brushed a shaky hand through his hair, taking a deep breath, in an attempt to regain at least a bit of his composure.

Not because he refused to cry but because he wanted to see the end of the tape before breaking down. Because he was certain he would break down. In fact, if Shikamaru's video would take a whole lot longer he'd be sobbing. But he didn't want that. He wanted to watch the tape, take in everything he could and savour this moment for after this, he would only see Shikamaru alive thirty times again.

"_Eight years, Neji. Eight years and we have an apartment and we even adopted a cat..."_

Pulling his knees up against his chest Neji rubbed a few tears that escaped him from his cheeks.

Eight years. They'd been together for eight years. Now, of course, he cursed himself for not having asked Shikamaru to marry him. Now he would kill himself if Shikamaru hadn't made him promise him he wouldn't do that. Because he had the ring ready. He knew his family would never accept the wedding but would allow it. He'd even asked Shikaku's opinion on the matter.

If only he hadn't been so nervous about Shikamaru's answer...

"_And if it wasn't for that troublesome thing I wouldn't even be doing this."_

Neji shook his head with a bitter laugh. It if hadn't been for Shikamaru's troublesome disease they would've still been together. Happy.

If it hadn't been for the disease...

A sob escaped Neji, his sadness and guilt finally overwhelming him. Bringing him down to his knees until he was nothing more than a weak, crying mess.

If only... If only he'd asked Shikamaru to marry him. If only he hadn't cared so much about the disease and had just asked his boyfriend to finally become his husband.

But really, would it have changed anything?

"_It's troublesome, but I have to say it."_

"No, no," Neji sobbed softly, burying his head in his knees and body shaking almost uncontrollably as he cried. He knew what Shikamaru would say. Knew what his boyfriend wanted him to know and remember above all else.

But he couldn't hear the words. Not now, not yet.

He'd lost Shikamaru, and there was nothing he had done. Nothing he could've done. And now he was left alone, feeling guilty and empty.

"_Troublesome Neji Hyuuga, we love you."_

**The End**


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